When most people get married, the expectation is that they will always put the other person first. They will sacrifice, compromise, and not be selfish. They will put their partner and their needs first. Over time, this agreement breaks down. Each partner slowly becomes more and more self-centered until there is a serious breach.
Putting the other first is based on the assumption that your spouse will stay exactly as they are at the time you married them. There is no flexibility, growth or room in this kind of rigid expectation.
A parent marriage is based on our and partner forming a marriage agreement based on putting the needs of kids first. It is a minimum 18 year commitment with the option of being lifelong.
If you got married with a burning desire that is no longer there, that’s normal. Desire, romance and attachment all exist in the brain with matching chemicals that can create feelings of euphoria.
Once you have been with you partner for over 4 years, you use up the brain’s ability to produce a chemical high. That’s also why affairs are so common. Any sexual partner who is not your partner will feed the brain’s desire for novelty and re-create that missing feeling of euphoria.
That high feeling is nature’s way of ensuring the survival of the species. Nature doesn’t care if you feel fulfilled from being a parent; natures only need is the reproduction of the species. Instead of procreating by happy accident, a parent marriage as the ultimate planned pregnancy.
Children are blissfully unaware of adult realities. They do not understand a happy marriage in any way unless it pertains to them. They don’t care who works, who stays home, or whether they have one, two, or four parents. As long as the adults in their life feel happy, then they are content. All children need to thrive is stability, consistency, and a close relationship with their parents or caregivers.
Probably the biggest secret of marriage nobody talks about is that after you have kids, you rarely date or romance your partner anymore. The spark you felt was to make the children, the fire now is keeping up with raising them and trying to keep just a little left over for your own interests.
If you are already married and feel like it is on the rocks, the first step is to get clear on you and partner’s values in regards to parenting. Then we will work backward on figuring out each other’s emotional and sexual needs.
That’s how you will make big leaps forward in as little as 3 months. Most therapy will keep you talking about what your needs are and how to get your partner to meet you halfway. Or you can go really deep into stories about how you were raised, why you have such needs and what you need to do to change. That can take years and the success rate is low.
Working to transform your current undefined or traditional marriage into a parent marriage can bring a feeling of accomplishment, peace, and success that you can feel in months instead of years.
In fact, after our first conversation, if we decide to work together I offer a 100% money back guarantee on my Parent Marriage coaching!
If you got married to someone you felt at the time was your soulmate, perfect in every way for you and meet your every need, you don’t need me. If you are looking for a coach or therapist to “fix” your soulmate, to help you turn them back into the person they were, you are will spend a lot of money with very little results.
As a life coach it is my job to help you get clear on what you want to accomplish and creating the collaboration you need to make it happen. Parenting is easier once you unhitch your romantic desires from your domestic ones.
What you are going to focus on:
- Stable environment for your kids
- Remove the pressure to “work” on the marriage
- Remove emotions from the role of parenting
- Give each spouse of win by making the kids a success
- Deepen or rebuild trust in your partner’s commitment to the children
- Avoid the cost and logistics of divorce or establishing redundant households
- Immediately stop the spouse bashing
- Ground unrealistic expectations
- After the first three months, we can then work on the advanced results like:
- Creating freedom for each partner to pursue: passions, hobbies, activities, and friendships
- Create alternatives for each partner to experience sexual and emotional fulfillment
- Never have to worry about Infidelity
- Model relationships based on shared values, affection, kindness, generosity, and friendship
- Your children will no longer feel worry or anxiety about their parents
- Your children will be free from criticism, sarcasm, defensiveness, or passive-aggressive behavior
This is not for you if:
- You are more worried about how your marriage appears to others
- You are afraid to explore your needs
- You do not feel that you are as worthy and deserving as your partner
Other Types Of Marriages
Parenting is not a requirement for coaching. I help other types of marriages as well.
Starter Marriage
I highly recommend this coaching for clients under 30 who are getting married for the first time. This coaching is designed to begin in the end in mind.
After three years of living together, your marriage will end, unless you choose to renew it. The first agreement is no kids until after at least 2 years of living together and practicing being married. First topic is how you are going to have an amazing child free sex life as married individuals. We will then dive into money, debt, bank accounts, communication, work, household chores, pets and other responsibilities.
All decisions will be clear enough that at the end of 3-5 years, if you decide not renew the marriage or upgrade it to a Parent Marriage you will be able to split amicably with the minimum of legal representation or hassle.
This is also a great program for those who feel they are ready to “move in” together without formal legal marriage license from the state.
Companionate Marriage
This type of marriage is for those who do not wish to have kids, but want to spend their lives together. The focus of this coaching is learning how to make your partner feel more free than if she or he was single. Its about learning unconditional love and acceptance for another person and sharing that in the bonds of marriage.
Long Distance Marriage
The most common assumption about marriage is that you will live together. Few people realize that for many people, their work keeps them apart from loved ones for long periods of time. The military is the most obvious. Some marriages have this in the plans and others are completely surprised when a spouse’s unit is called up and deployed in a matter of weeks to the other side of the world.
When the recent economic crisis, many families were broken up as one partner had to travel to a new location in order to find work. It can be a real challenge to be offered a promotion or new position in a new city once your family has deep roots in another.
Other types of work, sales, consultants, and auditors may live in one city, but they often pack their suitcase Sunday night and live out of it for the week until the return home late Friday night. Some people only spend weekends together before heading back out on the road. The only real perk is the one week vacation paid for with accumulated travel points.
Transitioning into or out of this type of marriage relationship is a huge stress. The drastic nature of this shift requires a complete realignment of all the marital roles and responsibilities. Both partners need to work these and come into clear agreement for it to work.
Open Marriage
This is more commonly referred to as “separated” in our culture because of the assumption that you can only love one person at a time. This status is for those contemplating divorce, awaiting divorce or for those who need a “timeout” or a “hall pass” to figure things out.
This coaching is excellent for those going thru or recently finished with a divorce as most likely you now have to deal with at least 4 people, two couples raising kids. Now that you have given up exclusive rights to parent your child if you share custody, you will will have to have a relationship with the stepparent either, informally dating or in a second marriage.
This type of marriage if for those who are happy with every part of their marriage except for sex. Open Marriage is the option for mismatched libido, kink, fetishes, bi-sexuality, swingers and the polyamourous. For some it is a lifestyle, others see it is an option for a good parent, component or long distance marriage.
Divorced to Dating Again
Not all marriages can be saved. Sometimes the Starter Marriages don’t work out. If you have kids you now have to deal with the stepparents and co-parenting. I can help you work on all these types of relationships so that you maintain your sanity and regain your happiness. When you are finally ready to jump back in and start dating again, I can help you create a powerful, sexy, attractive profile. Then teach you how to qualify and debrief dates to see if this person is really someone you want in the short term or the long term.
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