6 Tips to Find A Marriage Counselor or Couples Therapy

Photo concept of sad man on one cliff and unhappy wife and kids across a chasm1. Find a specialist, not a generalist

It can be hard to find a marriage counselor or a couples therapist that is dedicated their practice to this very specific niche. Lots of psychologists will add “Marriage Counseling” or “Couples Therapy” to the laundry list of disorders they treat. Marriage is not a diagnosable psychological disorder. It may drive you crazy, but it is not a disorder! Being of service to two individuals and the marriage at the same time requires specific skills and training.

Marital issues stem from communication, sexual function, stress, cultural issues, shared values and goals. Most marital issues are three-dimensional and not as simple or straight forward as depression or fear of getting on an airplane.

2. Therapist or Coach

Psychologists are trained to take a detailed history and dig into your past to see how that is affecting your present experience. Understanding your past is supposed to make your present experience in the relationship better.

A coach helps you figure out what you both what to have in your marriage. What this the purpose of being married? What would you both like to experience together? What is blocking you both from discussing and accomplishing it?

Coaching also doesn’t look at people as broken, but always growing and developing more skills. For example almost all marriage counseling clients complain of lack of communication skills. Its not communication, its listening. They are both talking or one is sitting and waiting patiently waiting to talk, but no one is actually listening! Usually there is a huge weakness in both people for listening!

3. Number of Sessions

Therapy is a big commitment. Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy by Sue Johnson requires a minimum of 8 to as many as 22 weekly sessions to be effective. Are you ready to make that big of a commitment to travel and participate in that many sessions. It can even more of a challenge when its you, your spouse, and a baby sitter all getting on the same schedule to make the sessions happen.

Emotionally Connected Couples Coaching (EC3) developed by Matthew Hoelscher at Parent Marriage Coaching is extremely effective in just three sessions over 30 days. You meet with your coach for a 90 minute introduction to reboot your relationship and get reconnected emotionally. Then there are two follow up sessions to check on your progress, deepen awareness, skills, and hold each other accountable.

4. Location

Meeting face to face in a neutral, safe location is key to both partners opening up to being vulnerable enough to move forward. Depending on the number of sessions you are committing too, its important to find a marriage counselor or couples therapist near your home or work.

5. Paying with Cash or Insurance Benefits

Most insurance companies do not cover marriage counseling. Psychologists that accept insurance usually have to make a diagnoses of anxiety or depression on the claim to get paid benefits. That goes on to your permanent record and can been subpoenaed in a court of law.

Paying cash is harder up front, but often better in the long run for the couple. Paying up front shows a mutual commitment to the marriage or relationship. Paying up front also protects your insurance health record and maintains a higher degree of privacy.

6. Read Reviews

When a psychologist or a coach does a great job, their clients are happy to share their success with others. Look up listings on off the main company website. Do a quick search for the Google business listing, Yelp, Noomii, or Thumbtack profile and read the reviews of the professional you want to hire. If nobody wants to go “on the record” and share their success, that is a huge yellow flag.