Marital arguments are to be expected. Learning how to work through them is key.

“Lovers are regulators of Emotional Functioning”. How to stop marital arguments, is based on emotional communication.

When the emotional regulation function in a marital argument, is not working for either partner, a helping professional can’t be afraid to temporarily take over the role for a couple. There needs to be calm before teaching and learning can take place. Then, each can learn to do it for each other.

Partners, who are in the habit of listening to each other and discussing issues with a healthy calm approach, will make for a lasting marriage. This ability to work through every type of issue is based on communication techniques that really work. Communication is key for how to stop marital arguments.

There are many issues that couples are facing in a marriage with emotional aggravation. How many of you think that money is romantic? Actually, since couples fight more about money than anything else (it is estimated that 80% of divorces are the result of money disagreements), having an honest talk about household finances might be better for a relationship than anything else.
Illustration of silhouetted couple arguingI had a “Runaway Freight Train” last night. The couple came to me for arguments that were getting out of control.  At last night’s second session, it jumped off the tracks. After both couples got a deep and full angry rant out in front of me, I asked them important questions to reset their mutual emotional regulation:

First, I asked them to: Stand up, face each other and hold hands. (Engage in non-sexual physical touch)

Next, I asked them four questions:

  • What is one thing your partner did for you today that you appreciate? 
  • What is one thing you find attractive about your partner? (words of appreciation) 
  • Why do you want to remain married to your partner? (re-affirm commitment & choose to be with each other) 
  • What is the one thing you will commit to do for your partner this week? (effort)

In my practice I allow a natural progression to take place. This allows time for their emotions to shift from the previous negativity. It also allows each partner to follow the new positive thoughts they just self generated towards their partner.

Connection and contact are signs of emotional reconciliation. So I gently suggest a hug. The couple then broke down in tears and they hugged for a good 10 minutes. I was focused on reinforcing verbally, that they can do this, for each other anytime, and they do not need me. I am only here for them until they can safely do this for themselves. The session then ended on a positive, emotionally connected note.