How Do We Love Each Other’s Darkness?

Marriage is the practice of unconditional love for yourself, those close to you and the world itself.

All of us have been socialized to shame regarding sex and our bodies. The process started very young, probably before you can remember and happened so frequently that it seems “normal”. Then all that shame is just supposed to magically go away when you are married and ready for a socially acceptable sex life.

The dark side forms when we are praised for being “good” when “seen” out in public and then we indulge in our desires when we are “alone” and hidden. Remember magazines under the bed. Your first vibrator, or perhaps hiding files of porn on the computer and links to your favorite sites. Anything remotely sexual was hidden and put out of view, then creates a dark side. It becomes a desire that is hidden from view, but cherished as an experience that is yours alone.

You both have a dark side, and sharing fantasies and dreams is a safe way to explore each others dark side.

Take turns sharing a dream or fantasy without any expectation of making it a reality.

If talking  about it is too tough, try writing down a few things in each category.

1. Tame, anything that could be easily done in the private space with material at hand. The kitchen is a wonderland of unexplored sensual experience. From flavor to feeling, it’s all there and more.

1. Edgy, anything that would take some pre-planning or arrangements to make happen. Consider a new location, a new experience or a new feeling that could be accomplished with a week’s notice.

1. Wild, how far do you want to push your limits? What would feel down right scary or weird that you think you might enjoy or want to experience.

You get to judge where your desires fall. A trip to the nudist beach might seem Tame to a nudist, though Wild to someone with a very conservative background. Don’t worry what others think. Just do this for each other, then you’ll be surprised what you discover. Take turns choosing each others piles, and just like sharing any intimacy, simply say, “Thank you” for sharing it. You are always in control and you are welcome to yes, no, or make an adjustment to make the desire within your comfort zone.