--- title: "Child Development and Your Marriage | Parent Marriage" description: "Two parents who disagree about what a child needs end up with a marriage problem, not a parenting problem. Here is how that happens and what to do about it." lang: en json-ld: | [ { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@type": "LocalBusiness", "@id": "https://parentmarriage.com/#business", "name": "Parent Marriage Coaching", "description": "Emotionally Connected Couples and Marriage Coaching for parents. 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I work with the couple. What I can help with is the argument the two of you are having about your child, which is usually a marriage conversation wearing parenting clothes." } }, { "@type": "Question", "name": "Is it damaging for children to see their parents disagree?", "acceptedAnswer": { "@type": "Answer", "text": "Seeing two adults hold different views and stay warm with each other is genuinely useful for a child. What causes damage is different: being used as the tiebreaker, watching one parent reverse the other in the moment, or living in a house with two camps in it. Disagree in front of them. Do not overturn each other in front of them." } }, { "@type": "Question", "name": "My partner and I parent completely differently. Can that work?", "acceptedAnswer": { "@type": "Answer", "text": "Frequently, yes, and some of the steadiest households I know are run by two people with opposite instincts who respect each other's. What does not work is when one of you privately concludes the other's instinct is unsafe and never says it out loud. That belief turns every ordinary difference into evidence, and evidence accumulates for years." } }, { "@type": "Question", "name": "Our fights are all about the kids. Does that mean the marriage is fine?", "acceptedAnswer": { "@type": "Answer", "text": "Usually the opposite. Children are the safest available subject to fight about, because the fight can always be framed as being about them rather than about the two of you. When every argument in a house has a child in it somewhere, that is often a marriage that has run out of other places to put the disagreement." } } ] } ] --- [![Parent Marriage](/__l5e/assets-v1/323329b7-bfb6-4413-bc32-07161cb70b98/parent-marriage-logo.png)](/) [Home](/)[The 8 Stages](/help-me-save-my-marriage)[About](/about)[Marriage Straight Talk](/free-marriage-advice) [305-986-2905](tel:+13059862905)[Book a consultation](/book) [Book](/book) 1. [Home](/) 2. Raising Kids Together Guide # What Your Child Needs, and Why You Two Disagree About It I am not going to give you milestones or stages. I am going to tell you what happens to a marriage when two competent parents quietly decide the other one is getting it wrong. ![Two parents and a small child at home on an ordinary weekday evening](/__l5e/assets-v1/7a4e2ed7-e039-4f55-8f9e-e74de1639eda/hero-family.jpg) There is no shortage of material on what children need at each age. Pediatricians write it, developmental specialists write it, and they are qualified to. I am not. I am a coach who works with couples, and the version of this subject that lands in my office is not about the child at all. It is about two adults who love the same kid, want the best for that kid, and have arrived at completely incompatible ideas about what the best actually is. That disagreement is where a large share of marriages start coming apart, and almost nobody files it under marriage. They file it under parenting, which is why it goes on for years without ever being addressed. This page is about the marriage half, because the marriage half is the part I can genuinely help with. In this article 1. 01 [What I am not going to do here](#not-my-lane) 2. 02 [The fight is almost never about the child](#the-real-fight) 3. 03 [Your parenting instincts are inherited, and you did not choose them](#where-scripts-come-from) 4. 04 [What a child does with a gap between you](#routing-around) 5. 05 [The united front is mostly a myth, with one real part](#united-front) 6. 06 [How two people decide something neither of them is certain about](#how-to-decide) 7. 07 [The marriage under the parenting](#the-marriage-underneath) 8. 08 [Talk it through](#talk-it-through) 9. 09 [Questions couples ask](#faq) ![Child development: family activities in the kids room, a woman and children playing together](/assets/MGFM4NYfamily-activities-in-the-kids-room-woman-and-chil-2023-11-27-05-11-10-utc-Medium-BrsIlYL5.jpeg) I am not the person to ask about milestones. I am the person to ask about the 2 adults. ## What I am not going to do here No milestones, no ages, no stages, no assessments. If you are worried about your child's speech, hearing, attention, eating, or anything else in that category, that is a conversation for your pediatrician or a licensed professional, and going to a coach for it would be a waste of your money and possibly of your child's time. What I do know, from a lot of hours in the room, is what two parents do to each other when they disagree about a child and cannot say so directly. The line I hold Your child's development belongs to people trained in it. The argument the two of you are having about it belongs to me. Those are separate jobs and mixing them up helps nobody. ![A mother teaching her children to work with colorful play clay](/assets/mother-or-nursery-teacher-teaches-her-children-to-2023-11-27-05-06-04-utc-Medium-CqGIjwYq.jpeg) The argument sounds like screen time. It is almost never about screen time. ## The fight is almost never about the child Watch the shape of it. One of you goes to the crying child and one of you does not. One of you thinks the tablet is fine on a Sunday and one of you thinks it is a slow surrender. One of you wants the 4 year old to finish the plate and one of you thinks that is a battle nobody should pick. Every one of those is a small technical disagreement about parenting, and none of them would survive 10 minutes of adult conversation on its own. They survive for years because underneath each one is a much larger claim: that the other person's instinct about this child is unsafe. Once a parent believes that quietly, every ordinary difference becomes evidence, and evidence accumulates. What gets said The surface argument What is meant The claim underneath it You always cave the second she cries. I do not think you can tolerate her being uncomfortable, and that scares me about the next 15 years. You are too hard on him. I think you are turning into your father and I have never said that out loud. Just let him have the iPad, it is one afternoon. I am past empty and you are asking me to hold a line I do not have anything left for. The right hand column is the actual conversation. Couples almost never have it, because the surface version is easier and because the real version sounds like an accusation about the person's character as a parent, which is the single most defended territory in a marriage. ![Nursery school children sitting on the classroom floor with their teacher](/assets/nursery-school-children-with-teacher-sitting-on-fl-2024-10-18-09-28-12-utc-Medium-D_qTcLOB.jpeg) You are running your parents' playbook until you sit down and rewrite it. ## Your parenting instincts are inherited, and you did not choose them Nobody arrives at a child with a philosophy. They arrive with a nervous system trained by a house they did not pick. Somebody raised where crying got answered instantly finds a crying child unbearable at a physical level. Somebody raised where composure was the highest virtue finds a parent who negotiates with a toddler genuinely alarming. Both of those people are doing their honest best and both of them are running software installed before they could read. That is worth knowing, because it changes the question. You are not arguing about who is right about children. You are arguing about which of two childhoods gets to be the template, and neither of you ever agreed to that vote. > You are not arguing about who is right about children. You are arguing about which of two childhoods gets to be the template. Matthew W. Hoelscher, PCC I have twin boys, which means I got to watch my own defaults show up twice at once with no possible explanation involving the child's personality. It is a humbling piece of information about yourself and it is available to any parent willing to look at it honestly. Most of what I ask couples to do in this territory is exactly that: say out loud where the instinct came from, before defending it. ![A group of small nursery school children sitting on the classroom floor](/assets/6RK2ECUgroup-of-small-nursery-school-children-sitting-on-2024-10-18-11-32-28-utc-Medium-BVsxlmgh.jpeg) A 4 year old finds the gap between you in about a week. ## What a child does with a gap between you Here is the practical cost, and it is the part that usually gets a couple to take this seriously. Children are excellent at detecting a disagreement between the two people who run their world, and they are excellent at using it. Not maliciously. It is simply the most efficient available strategy. If dad says no and mum says yes about 40 percent of the time, going to mum is a rational move and any 5 year old will find it inside a month. What follows is the thing I actually care about. The parent who gets routed around starts to feel undermined. The parent who gets routed to starts to feel like the only one who understands this kid. Both of those feelings are corrosive, and neither of them is about the child anymore. Within a couple of years you have a household with two camps in it, and the camps were built by a disagreement about bedtime. What the gap turns into - One parent becomes the office All discipline routes to whoever holds the line. That parent gets the resentment and rarely gets the affection. It corrodes them and they usually say nothing about it for years. - One parent becomes the escape All warmth routes to whoever softens. It feels good and it is a trap, because it quietly requires the other parent to keep being the difficult one. - The child learns to negotiate the adults Not a character flaw, just efficient. But a house where the fastest way to get something is to work the gap between two adults teaches something nobody intended to teach. ## The united front is mostly a myth, with one real part Parents are told to present a united front and it is bad advice as usually stated, because it asks two people to pretend to agree, and children can smell a pretense from the next room. You are allowed to disagree. You are allowed to disagree in front of them about small things, and it is genuinely good for a child to see two adults hold different views without the house catching fire. The part that is not optional is narrower and it matters enormously. You do not overturn each other in the moment. If your partner said no, the answer is no until the two of you are alone, whatever you privately think about it. Then argue as long as you like, in the kitchen, at 9pm, with the door shut. What that protects is not consistency about screen time. It is the child's sense that the two adults are one structure, which is the actual thing children are checking for. The only rule I would enforce Never reverse your partner in front of the child. Take the disagreement, hold it, and have it later in private, where it belongs and where it can actually be resolved. Everything else in this territory is negotiable. That one is load bearing. ![A family embracing outdoors in autumn](/assets/autumn-embrace-a-tapestry-of-family-love-2025-02-17-21-43-23-utc-Medium-D2RA7y8x.jpeg) Decide it once, in private, on a calm night. Not at 7pm in the kitchen. ## How two people decide something neither of them is certain about Most parenting disagreements are not resolvable by evidence, because both of you can find an article. So the decision has to be made a different way, and the way I run it is simple. How to actually settle one 1. Each of you says where your instinct came from before saying why it is right 2. Name what you are actually afraid of if the other person's approach wins 3. Pick which of you cares more, honestly. Not who argues better, who cares more 4. Run it that way for a defined stretch, 6 weeks, not forever, and agree on that out loud 5. Look at what happened together, without a prosecution, and adjust That last step is where couples fail. Almost nobody goes back and looks. They just carry the grudge from the decision into the next argument, which is how a household ends up with 9 years of unfinished parenting disputes and 2 adults who have stopped bringing anything up. If your disagreements never get closed out, [conflict resolution strategies](/conflict-resolution-strategies) covers the mechanics of finishing one properly. ![Grandparents on the floor with their grandchildren, playing educational games](/assets/education-toys-and-grandparents-with-children-on-2023-11-27-05-28-37-utc-Medium-BkBUOqcW.jpeg) The kids are watching the marriage, not the parenting method. ## The marriage under the parenting The thing I want you to walk away with is this. Two people raising small children have almost no unclaimed time, no unobserved conversation and very little energy, and into that they are pouring the most emotionally loaded set of decisions of their lives. It is not surprising it goes sideways. It is surprising how many couples blame each other's character for it. That specific condition, two competent adults running a household with great efficiency and no contact, is what I call [the parent marriage](/what-is-a-parent-marriage), and the parenting disagreements are usually its loudest symptom rather than its cause. When the extended family has views as well, which in Miami is most households, it gets another layer, and I go through that in [love, marriage and family problems](/love-marriage-family-problems). When this is not a marriage conversation - A concern about your child's development Speech, hearing, attention, eating, anything in that category goes to your pediatrician or a licensed professional. I am a coach and I do not assess children. - An untreated condition in either parent If depression, an anxiety disorder or anything similar is driving the pattern in the house, a licensed professional leads and I am glad to work alongside that. - Anything that has become unsafe Physical or emotional harm to a child or a partner is not a coaching conversation and I will say so immediately on the first call. ## Talk it through If you and your partner have been having the same argument about your child for 2 years and getting nowhere, the argument is not about your child. [Book the free 25 minute call](/talk-to-marriage-coach) and we will find out what it is actually about. It is for first timers, it costs nothing, and if what you need is a licensed professional rather than a coach, I will tell you on that call. ## Questions couples ask ### Do you advise parents on child development itself? No. Milestones, assessments and anything about how your specific child is developing belong with your pediatrician or a licensed professional. I work with the couple. What I can help with is the argument the two of you are having about your child, which is usually a marriage conversation wearing parenting clothes. ### Is it damaging for children to see their parents disagree? Seeing two adults hold different views and stay warm with each other is genuinely useful for a child. What causes damage is different: being used as the tiebreaker, watching one parent reverse the other in the moment, or living in a house with two camps in it. Disagree in front of them. Do not overturn each other in front of them. ### My partner and I parent completely differently. Can that work? Frequently, yes, and some of the steadiest households I know are run by two people with opposite instincts who respect each other's. What does not work is when one of you privately concludes the other's instinct is unsafe and never says it out loud. That belief turns every ordinary difference into evidence, and evidence accumulates for years. ### Our fights are all about the kids. Does that mean the marriage is fine? Usually the opposite. Children are the safest available subject to fight about, because the fight can always be framed as being about them rather than about the two of you. When every argument in a house has a child in it somewhere, that is often a marriage that has run out of other places to put the disagreement. [Book a free call ](/book) ![Matthew W. Hoelscher, marriage coach in Miami](/__l5e/assets-v1/793ff08a-677d-4393-a950-cb99a7968138/matt-portrait.jpg) Matthew W. Hoelscher, PCC ICF Professional Certified Coach and the marriage coach behind Parent Marriage, in Miami. He is a coach, not a licensed therapist, [Book a free call](/book) Book a consultation ## 25 minutes. _Honest answer._ Tell me what's going on and I'll tell you honestly whether I can help. No pressure, no sales pitch. [Book a free call ](/book) Or call [305.986.2905](tel:+13059862905) ![Parent Marriage](/__l5e/assets-v1/323329b7-bfb6-4413-bc32-07161cb70b98/parent-marriage-logo.png) Emotionally Connected Couples Coaching in Miami and by video nationwide. Coaching, not therapy. 12755 SW 116th Terrace Miami, FL 33186 Explore - [Home](/) - [About Matthew](/matthew-hoelscher) - [The 8 Stages](/help-me-save-my-marriage) - [Marriage Straight Talk](/free-marriage-advice) - [Book a Call](/book) - [Stage 1: Constant Fighting](/stage-1-stupid-arguments-constant-fighting) - [Stage 2: Infidelity & Betrayal](/stage-2-infidelity-betrayal) - [Stage 3: Stay or Go](/stage-3-stay-or-go) Resources - [Marriage Coaching in Miami](/couples-counseling-marriage-coach-miami-life-coaching) - [Common Questions](/couples-therapy-relationship-counseling-faq) - [Coaching Services](/marriage-coaching-questions-services) - [Talk to a Marriage Coach](/talk-to-marriage-coach) - [Conflict Resolution](/conflict-resolution-strategies) - [Fix a Struggling Marriage](/how-to-fix-a-struggling-marriage) - [Love, Marriage & Family](/love-marriage-family-problems) - [10 Common Marriage Problems](/top-10-stable-marriage-problem-example) - [Privacy Policy](/privacy) Contact - [305.986.2905](tel:+13059862905) - [Matt@ParentMarriage.com](mailto:Matt@ParentMarriage.com) - Miami · Office in Kendall, FL - By video in all 50 states & DC © 2026 Parent Marriage Coaching. All rights reserved. Coaching services provided by an ICF-certified coach. Not therapy, counseling, or medical care.