Marriage is a lifelong journey together. Not simply a boat you get on together and get off when it does not work out. Emotionally connected couples learn how to navigate difficult and calm seas together. 
How Emotionally Connected Couples Strengthen Their Relationships
Marriage is a legal contract. It is a love commitment where two people decide to share resources, usually to support having offspring. Often they share the same religious beliefs. In the end, it’s an agreement, which is intended for a lifetime. Emotionally Connected Couples succeed at marriage and experience more benefits in partnership.
People are different and every couple has their own set of rules. They can have whatever they choose as long as they can both talk about it and agree to it.
There is no “normal”. The more I learn about how people create relationships, the more I see anything is possible and there is no right answer. Neither partner is “right” and or “wrong”. When people struggle with emotional connectivity, they are often simply not in agreement about their needs, desires, and goals for the union. Somehow they stop listening.
Every relationship has ups and downs and they require work. Look at the old couples who are still together after so many decades. Their love has matured from a passionate lust to a deep, lasting love. How did they do it? They held on tightly to their emotional connection. Sharing, listening and embracing their difficulties, hurts, joys, pain and fears. They cared enough to share and listen when the other was going through something.
Sometimes people stop listening. They figure the other made the mess, and the other needs to fix the mess. This is an emotional breakdown that Marriage Coach Matthew Hoelscher is very familiar with seeing. Matthew states, “When you work with me, all options are on the table until you both decide what goes inside the marriage box and what goes outside.”
At some point I’ll usually joke, “After the session, I’m not going home with either one of you.” What that means is, that it’s not about you convincing me that you are right and he or she is wrong. I’m not here to settle arguments (even though sometimes it is tempting). It comes down to the two of you deciding what works for both of you.
Marriage is about love. Love is about acceptance, understanding and forgiveness. Marriage is a love that is deeper than a rush of passionate lust. It requires tolerance and adapting to one another. You are not going to surrender to my authority, education, or therapy. Most therapists, priests or even relatives will try to convince you that they know better and you better just do what they say and follow their suggestions.
As a coach, I know the only thing that will work is what you decide to do of your own free will. Unless your internal desire and motivation are in alignment with the suggestion, no positive action will take place.
Instead of telling you what to do, Emotionally connected couples turn to me to help them figure it out. I’m going to do that by staying open to all the possibilities. You both have to create a fulfilling relationship for both of you. Once you understand that, I’ll help you by challenging you, to make sure that it’s really what you want.
If I see any suggestions that might make it easier, for each of you, I’ll point them out. If either of you are “caving in” to the requests of your partner, I’ll call you out on it and ask you to step up for yourself.
If you partner is bullying you and pressuring you to meet their needs, at the expense of their own, I’ll tell him or her to knock it off. I’m blunt, honest, and focused on you finding the experience that creates the feeling in your relationship that you want. Sometimes the temporary experience of facing a pain or challenge is what is needed in order to release it and move on.
In the end my questions are there to guide you both into creating a fulfilling marriage and relationship. Not to force you into someone else’s preconceived idea of what should work for you. My personal experience of 16 years of marriage along with hundreds of hours of working with other couples gives me the unique advantage of observing plenty of different ideas that work for many different types of people. Even if the idea is something I would never personally consider, I have no issue to throwing it out for the two of you to discuss.
Anything I say is merely a suggestion for you both to consider. You are both welcome to “accept”, “reject” or “modify” whatever I say to make it fit for you and the relationship you wish to create. Sometimes, when a couple is stuck figuring out what they want, occasionally I’ll throw out a wild idea that I expect both people to say “no” too. This gives a feeling that there are some boundaries in which to agree on.
No Attachment, it’s all good.
You are hiring me to make your emotional relationship better. I want you both to be happy, together. I believe most relationships can be saved, but not all. If either one of you is not 100% committed to the marriage or relationship, there’s nothing I can do, not even Emotionally Connected Couples Coaching can force you back into the game. If either partner feels the relationship or marriage is not a good fit, and they want out, I’m ok with that. Once either person makes that decision, I am happy to walk you thru the process of “conscious uncoupling” where you both let go of any resentments. The goal is to wish each other well, and part ways, amicably.
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