--- title: "How to Get Rid of Contempt for a Coworker | Parent Marriage" description: "Contempt for a coworker runs on the same machinery as contempt at home. What it is, the three moves that actually shift it, and why you are probably really here." lang: en json-ld: | [ { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@type": "LocalBusiness", "@id": "https://parentmarriage.com/#business", "name": "Parent Marriage Coaching", "description": "Emotionally Connected Couples and Marriage Coaching for parents. 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My practice is couples and families. If the workplace conflict is bleeding into your marriage, which it often does, that part is squarely my work and worth an hour of your time. The office politics itself belongs with somebody who does that for a living." } }, { "@type": "Question", "name": "Is contempt at work a sign of something bigger?", "acceptedAnswer": { "@type": "Answer", "text": "Sometimes. Contempt is a habit as much as a reaction, and people who run it in one setting frequently run it in another without noticing. If you can think of one person at work and one person at home who both live in a closed file, the common factor is worth a look." } }, { "@type": "Question", "name": "What if the coworker genuinely is bad at their job?", "acceptedAnswer": { "@type": "Answer", "text": "Then you have a performance problem, and performance problems get solved with clear scope, written expectations and a manager. Contempt is not a management tool. It feels like accountability and it produces nothing except a version of you that is unpleasant to be around." } }, { "@type": "Question", "name": "Does the same advice work on a family member?", "acceptedAnswer": { "@type": "Answer", "text": "Better, actually, because with family you can say the honest sentence without a human resources department in the room. The steps above are the same. Name the original injury, say it once without the history stapled to it, stop rehearsing the story to other people, and set a real boundary instead of a quiet grudge." } } ] } ] --- [![Parent Marriage](/__l5e/assets-v1/323329b7-bfb6-4413-bc32-07161cb70b98/parent-marriage-logo.png)](/) [Home](/)[The 8 Stages](/help-me-save-my-marriage)[About](/about)[Marriage Straight Talk](/free-marriage-advice) [305-986-2905](tel:+13059862905)[Book a consultation](/book) [Book](/book) 1. [Home](/) 2. Contempt at Work Note # Contempt for a Coworker, and What It Is Really Telling You I coach couples, not offices. But contempt is contempt, I deal with it constantly, and the mechanism does not change when you swap the kitchen for a conference room. ![A man on the stairs, worn down by hearing colleagues talk behind his back](/assets/businessman-tired-of-gossips-2025-01-29-08-13-13-utc-Medium-9PKE5HcV.jpeg) Let me be straight about what this page is. I am a marriage coach. I do not consult for companies, I have never run a workplace mediation, and I am not going to pretend otherwise so that a search result works out. If you want a full playbook for office politics, somebody else has written a better one than I could. What I do know cold is contempt, because it is in front of me every week. Contempt does not care whether the person is your spouse or the guy two desks over. It runs on the same three parts every time, and if you understand the parts you can usually take it apart yourself, in about a month, without anybody having to become a better person. So this is the short version, honestly labeled. In this article 1. 01 [Contempt runs on the same three parts everywhere](#the-mechanism) 2. 02 [How you know you have crossed the line](#how-you-know) 3. 03 [What actually shifts it](#what-works) 4. 04 [Why you may not actually be here about your coworker](#why-you-are-here) 5. 05 [Talk it through](#talk-it-through) 6. 06 [Questions couples ask](#faq) ## Contempt runs on the same three parts everywhere Contempt is not strong dislike. Dislike is horizontal, and you can dislike somebody and still take their input seriously. Contempt is vertical. It is the settled conclusion that a person is beneath you, and once you reach it, everything they do afterward gets read as more evidence for a verdict you already delivered. It gets built the same way in every setting I have seen it. Something happened, it was never addressed directly, and you closed the file. From then on the file is not open to new information. They can do good work and you will find the flaw in it. They can apologize and you will read it as manipulation. That is not you being unfair. That is what a closed file does. The three parts - An unaddressed injury They took credit, or dismissed you in a meeting, or made you look stupid in front of somebody who matters. You did not say anything, because at work you usually cannot. - A verdict that closed You stopped explaining their behavior and started explaining them. He is lazy. She is political. The moment the sentence became about who they are, new information stopped counting. - A private audience You started telling other people the story. Every retelling makes the verdict more solid, which is why venting feels good and changes nothing. ![An angry customer in conflict with a manager](/assets/angry-customer-has-a-conflict-with-the-manager-of-2023-11-27-05-21-33-utc-Medium-a0KzOnwj.jpeg) Once you are rehearsing the argument in the shower, you are past irritation. ## How you know you have crossed the line Annoyance and contempt look similar from the outside and feel completely different from the inside. The tells are consistent. You brace before their name appears in your inbox. You have a specific face you make when they speak, and you have practiced not making it. You have started noticing how they eat, or the noise they make on calls, which has nothing to do with the original problem and everything to do with the fact that once somebody is filed under beneath you, their chewing becomes evidence. The clearest tell is the one people admit last. You have caught yourself hoping they fail at something, even when their failure would cost you. That is not annoyance. Annoyance wants the problem fixed. Contempt wants the person diminished. The honest question Ask yourself whether you would change your mind about this person if they did something genuinely good tomorrow. If the answer is no, or if you find yourself already discounting the hypothetical, the file is closed and that is the actual problem, not them. ## What actually shifts it Three things move contempt, and none of them are the advice you usually get. Being more positive does not work. Empathy exercises where you imagine their difficult childhood do not work either, they mostly just add a layer of condescension on top. What I would try 1. Name the original injury to yourself, out loud, in one sentence. Not a character summary. The event. In March he presented my analysis and did not say my name. 2. Say that one sentence to them, flat, with no history attached. Most people have never done this and are shocked that it takes 20 seconds. 3. Stop telling the story to other people for 3 weeks. The audience is what keeps the verdict fresh, and you will feel the grip loosen almost immediately. 4. Set a real boundary instead of a private grudge. Fewer shared projects, a clear scope, written follow ups. Boundaries and contempt do the same job, but only one of them costs you anything. Step two is the one people skip and it is the one that works. Contempt is usually built on an injury that was never spoken, and speaking it plainly, once, is often enough to reopen the file. If they respond badly, you have learned something real and you can move to step four with a clear conscience. > Contempt is what grows in the space where an honest sentence should have been. Matthew W. Hoelscher, PCC ![A tired woman and an angry man sitting on the sofa at home](/assets/sad-tired-woman-and-angry-man-sitting-on-sofa-at-h-2024-11-17-14-22-34-utc-Medium-D_h3oYl4.jpeg) Very often the coworker is not the problem you came in with. ## Why you may not actually be here about your coworker Now the part I would rather say than not. A meaningful number of people who read about contempt at work are not entirely reading about work. Contempt is portable. If you are running it at the office, it is worth asking honestly whether some version of the same closed file exists at home, because the machinery is identical and the stakes are not. At work, a closed file costs you a functional colleague. At home it is the single behavior I would bet on if you asked me to predict which marriages come apart. The eye roll, the joke with a hook in it, the sigh across the kitchen. Same mechanism, much more expensive. If any of that landed, the marriage version of this conversation is where I actually do my work. The way the small stuff turns into a permanent verdict is covered in [how to improve communication in marriage](/how-to-improve-communication-in-marriage), the pattern where every fight is really the same fight is in [stage 1, stupid arguments and constant fighting](/stage-1-stupid-arguments-constant-fighting), and the practical toolkit for both is in [conflict resolution strategies](/conflict-resolution-strategies). ## Talk it through I am not the right person for your office. If reading this made you think about somebody you live with rather than somebody you work with, that I can help with. [Book a free 25 minute call](/talk-to-marriage-coach). It is for first timers and it costs nothing. ## Questions couples ask ### Can you coach me through a conflict with a coworker? Not really, and I would rather say so. My practice is couples and families. If the workplace conflict is bleeding into your marriage, which it often does, that part is squarely my work and worth an hour of your time. The office politics itself belongs with somebody who does that for a living. ### Is contempt at work a sign of something bigger? Sometimes. Contempt is a habit as much as a reaction, and people who run it in one setting frequently run it in another without noticing. If you can think of one person at work and one person at home who both live in a closed file, the common factor is worth a look. ### What if the coworker genuinely is bad at their job? Then you have a performance problem, and performance problems get solved with clear scope, written expectations and a manager. Contempt is not a management tool. It feels like accountability and it produces nothing except a version of you that is unpleasant to be around. ### Does the same advice work on a family member? Better, actually, because with family you can say the honest sentence without a human resources department in the room. The steps above are the same. Name the original injury, say it once without the history stapled to it, stop rehearsing the story to other people, and set a real boundary instead of a quiet grudge. [Book a free call ](/book) ![Matthew W. Hoelscher, marriage coach in Miami](/__l5e/assets-v1/793ff08a-677d-4393-a950-cb99a7968138/matt-portrait.jpg) Matthew W. Hoelscher, PCC ICF Professional Certified Coach and the marriage coach behind Parent Marriage, in Miami. He is a coach, not a licensed therapist, [Book a free call](/book) Book a consultation ## 25 minutes. _Honest answer._ Tell me what's going on and I'll tell you honestly whether I can help. No pressure, no sales pitch. [Book a free call ](/book) Or call [305.986.2905](tel:+13059862905) ![Parent Marriage](/__l5e/assets-v1/323329b7-bfb6-4413-bc32-07161cb70b98/parent-marriage-logo.png) Emotionally Connected Couples Coaching in Miami and by video nationwide. 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