What Is Couples Coaching and How Does It Work?
No one really knows what to expect the first time you make an appointment for a couples counseling session. Most therapists expect a 3 to 6 month commitment of weekly appointments so they can dive deep into each partner’s background to flesh out any and every thing from your childhood moving forward.
Here, at Parent Marriage Coaching, we provide a faster and more effective process for getting couples reconnected quickly, with excellent long term results. Its called EC3, “Emotionally Connected Couples Coaching”.
Here are the top 5 mindset shifts you can expect!
1. Individual Responsibility
You do not get to blame the therapist, they are there to help you. The coach is not there to give you an out of saying, “I tried everything.” Marriage is a business property contract. Two people merge their assets and share resources in exchange for a special tax status. The relationship aspect of marriage is an illusion, it doesn’t exist. All it is, is the sum of whatever two individuals are willing to agree to.
Each spouse is individually responsible for the health and success of the marriage; “You both created this mess, and you are both going to have to fix it.”
The first step is to find your own power by taking responsibility. Blaming your spouse or anyone else is a way of giving up power and responsibility so the problem is no longer “your fault.”
2. Set More Goals For Yourself
It’s easy to get couples counseling by asking what is the one thing they wish I would change about their partner? One of the foundations of coaching is understanding that we cannot change other people, we can only change ourselves and how we treat others.
What are your goals for yourself in this relationship? That question is usually much harder to answer. When we take the focus off of ourselves, it’s easy to lose focus on ourselves. We then review the complaints previously laid out and get to work on what you have direct control over. How can you meet these needs for yourself?
3. Look For The Feeling Under The Feeling
In order to feel connected, each individual needs physical touch, appreciation, and effort.
Couples often complain about “leaving dishes in the sink,” but it’s never really about the dishes. Leaving dishes in the sink is a symptom of lack of effort.
A powerful game is called “So what?”. For example, “I am angry at him for cheating!” So what? “Well, our marriage is monogamous and we made commitments to each other.” So What? “He doesn’t touch me enough and I’m jealous he is giving that attention to another person.” So what? “I guess I need to make my needs more clear to him and stop rejecting him sexually.”
4. Make Yourself A Priority
There is a profound wisdom taught to everyone that has ever flown on an airplane. “Put your own mask on first before assisting others.” When you come to couples counseling, the first thing I do is make sure both individuals have their priorities straight. The kids, work, hobbies or the going to the gym do NOT come first.
You do!
That’s right, you both have to take care of yourselves first. Your health, stress and well-being comes first. Then, you both need to focus on taking care of each other’s needs in the marriage or relationship. Once you both take good care of yourselves and each other, there is a lot leftover for kids, work, hobbies and following your passions.
5. Take Divorce Off The Table
It’s a common threat in marriage and relationships to “break-up” or “divorce” when we don’t get our way or we want our partner’s attention. This is a lose-lose game that leads to our partners trying less and less each time you play it.
We think our partner is going to chase after us, not let us go. Usually the opposite happens. It becomes a game of who cares less. It becomes a death spiral in a relationship because it causes both partners to feel like trying is useless.
Having an argument or a disagreement in any marriage is fine. Underneath that, you and your partner should feel that you are both passionate about the topic because you are passionate about each other. You are 100% committed to the relationship and to the marriage. Threatening divorce or breaking up, chips away at that commitment a little more every time.
Most of the “magic” happens between the sessions with couples counseling. It’s the additional sharing that happens between the sessions that helps couples get through the counseling process faster.
The couples that stay angry and don’t say a word to each other, are the ones that keep coming back month after month. Once a couple can communicate, share challenging emotions and feel safe and vulnerable together again, then they are able to keep the marriage healthy and thriving by themselves.
As a coach, my couples coaching probably sounds nothing like your fears or expectations of what a session would look like. I have developed Emotionally Connected Couples Coaching (EC3) to serve couples counseling needs quickly and effectively.
Call me today to see if you and your partner are ready to move into a new, happy and emotionally connected relationship!
References from this article can be found at: https://lifehacker.com/what-to-expect-from-couples-therapy-512019720
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