John Gottman is the author of The Gottman Method, a structured approach to couple’s therapy, which was developed in the 1980s. This method attempts to improve relationships by seeking to improve the understanding, awareness, connection, and empathy within a relationship. The therapy uses exercises and therapeutic interventions to improve the relationship.
Gottman is a researcher who studied couples for over 40 years, with his research focused on identifying behaviors that were characteristic of successful couples and couples who split up.
This research enabled him to develop a method to improve relationships and reduce conflicts. Gottman has claimed to be able to predict with 90% accuracy whether a couple will stay together or not.
The first step of The Gottman Method is assessment
There are individual and joint assessments, after which the couple makes a joint decision concerning the sessions. Then, the process continues in a structured manner, in pursuit of a central goal or goals. The main goals of The Gottman Method are to change verbal communication that leads to conflict, increase intimacy and affection, reduce the feeling of stagnancy in relation to conflicts, and increase understanding. The therapist will help the couple develop skills and interact with each other in new ways, mediated by the therapist, and eventually on their own. The goal is to help the couple acquire these new skills and then apply them even after they leave therapy.
The Gottman Method considers that conflicts exist in two forms: perpetual, which will continue in one way or another throughout the marriage, and conflicts that can be resolved. Most conflicts, however, are perpetual, meaning that the focus is to manage them in a way that makes them more tolerable for the couple. The Method can be applied with couples experiencing different conflicts, such as too many fights, poor communication, infidelity, parenting, money difficulties, and many others. Couples with no identified conflicts can also benefit from the method by improving their relationship.
The first element of The Gottman Method is called Building Love Maps
It involves getting to know the partners, learning about their history, worries, hopes, desires, and, overall, their inner psychological world. The second element is to Share Fondness and Admiration, which refers to the affection and respect partners give each other in the relationship.
The next element is called Turn Towards. The partners need to state their needs and also respond to the needs and bids for connection of the other person. Small moments in which each other’s needs are acknowledged. The fourth element is a Positive Perspective – the couple has a positive approach to problems and to problem-solving. This connects with the next element, which is to Manage Conflict, as the conflict is managed rather than resolved from this approach. This is because the conflicts are seen as a natural part of a relationship and can have functional and positive aspects.
The next element is to Make Life Dreams Come True, which means to create an atmosphere in which both partners can talk about their dreams and aspirations and seek these things out in real life. Another element is to Create Shared Meaning, in which there are narratives, myths, and metaphors associated with the relationship.
The eighth element is Trust. Trust is a state defined by the knowledge a person has about their partner acting and thinking in a way to help them and support them. Trust means knowing and believing that one’s partner is supportive and present.
The final element is Commitment. Commitment means acting on the belief that a relationship with a person will be the individual’s life journey. It involves elements like cherishing the partner and practicing gratitude rather than focusing on the negative qualities and resentment.
The Gottman Method is one of the most commonly used approaches to couples therapy. It has a strong empirical base which is related to Gottman’s research and can benefit many different couples. It can be used to strengthen relationships that are already strong and improve relationships that are going through specific difficulties or conflicts and poor communication.
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