SOS Technique: The Last Thing You Try to Save a Marriage

“I want a separation.” “I want a divorce.”

The words are probably still stinging your ears.

You have stayed up late at night reading every book and watching every YouTube video on how to save a marriage. The SOS Technique is the last thing you try to save a marriage. It is also the one thing you haven’t tried yet – nothing.

The end of the marriage

When going through a divorce, there is usually one party who is pushing for it and the other who wants to work things through. This is the dynamic that I find in many coaching sessions. It usually manifests in one of the partners becoming DESPERATE in their attempts to keep the other person in the marriage.

They might constantly tell the other person that they love them, sending emails and texts, leaving phone messages, and writing letters. They do whatever to convince the other person to stay in the marriage. And here’s the tragedy of it- those attempts usually only make the other person want to leave even more.

This kind of behavior is common in troubled relationships. The person who is throwing these hail marys usually recognizes this fact. They cannot help themselves. They love the other person.

The problem here is that you need to consider human nature. When you’re cornered, your flight or fight instinct kicks into action. If you are pursuing your partner non-stop, then there is a good chance that you’re triggering their flight instinct. This is the exact opposite of what you want.

What is The SOS Technique?

The SOS Technique is where you must release all of your desperation, fears and possessive behavior. It was first proposed in the book, The Divorce Remedy by Michelle Weiner-Davis and is the absolute last thing you can try before the divorce papers are signed. If done correctly, it could save your marriage and sanity.

The SOS Technique is only for when all other options have been exhausted. It’s when your partner tells you they want a divorce in no uncertain terms. When you’re living apart or should be. It could even be when you have the divorce papers in hand. In a nutshell, it boils down to this: if you want to save your marriage, you have to STOP acting in a desperate way. You need to STOP pursuing your partner. You need to STOP trying to “save” the marriage.

Sounds easy, right? It isn’t.

In short, if you’re desperate to prevent the divorce, stop giving your partner a reason to leave the marriage.

Your SOS Action Plan

Here are the steps of The SOS Technique:

Stop

Out

Stand By

Step #1: STOP Pursuing Your Partner

We’ve already established that desperate kinds of behavior where you beg your spouse to stay causes much more damage than it prevents. So, the first step in The SOS Technique is to stop acting that way. You need to stop sending them emails and texts, stop sending them flowers, and (here is the REALLY tough part), you need to stop telling them, “I love you.”

Every time you put that kind of pressure on them, they are going to feel more like they want to get away from you. The only solution is to take that pressure

entirely off them. Here is the thing: They KNOW you love them; you aren’t telling them anything that they don’t already know.

Step #2: Get OUT of the house

In times of depression and panic, it’s human nature to buckle down and withdraw into ourselves. Unfortunately, this just makes things worse. Instead of going out and doing things that will make us feel better about our lives and ourselves, we stay at home and stew in our juices. We lose interest in other activities or social behavior. We want to be left alone.

That’s completely normal behavior when going through a divorce. It is also a contributing factor as to why your partner may want to leave. When you are feeling and acting like that, you’re literally not the person they fell in love with.

Now, here is the secret of The SOS Technique: in order to get your partner back, you need to start to move past how you feel. Instead of picking yourself up off the floor AFTER the divorce, you need to do it BEFORE the papers are signed.

I know how impossible this can seem. When you’re stuck in a depressive state, seeing the light at the end of the tunnel can feel almost impossible. If you can find that piece of you deep inside that wants to move forward, you might be able to regain the person your partner loved.

How can you do this? Try new things! Take a look at your current behavior and do the opposite of that. Make plans with friends, start paying more attention to your physical appearance and exercise – be a little unpredictable! You want your partner to see that you are ready to move on with your life, with or without them.

This does not mean that you want to ignore or be mean to them (that would do much more harm than good). Instead, you want your partner to see that you are taking care of yourself. This is inherently much more attractive than being depressed and begging your partner not to leave you. If you want your partner back, you’re going to have to be attractive to them.

What about sex?

Here is all that I have to say about sex: Have it with each other!

Sex with your partner releases bonding hormones that can strengthen relationships. If your partner feels like having sex with you, go for it.

Ah, but here’s the part where I caution you: Just because you had sex doesn’t mean that things are better in your relationship. People have drives that need to be satisfied. It’s a good sign, yes, but don’t read too much into it. Instead, remember what I said above about playing it cool.

Don’t put any expectations on your partner because you had sex. You cannot be angry is he doesn’t’ spend the night or forgets to text you in the morning. It may feel like a one night stand, and that’s ok. Instead, look at it this way: you had sex, it was fun, but don’t count on it happening again. If he or she is more connected and attentive after sex, keep the good vibe going and do not ruin it by bringing up the past. To save a marriage, they need to be motivated to work on the relationship first.

Step #3: STAND-BY: The Waiting Game

“How long do I wait?” This is the tough part. As long as you want! Six weeks to three months is perfectly reasonable. You are free to go and file for divorce yourself. The person who cares the least about the relationship is the one that is in control.

Well, unfortunately, waiting is a necessary part of The SOS Technique. You’ve changed your behavior, you’ve stopped chasing your partner and you’ve started to live your life again. You’ve done everything you can to save the marriage, so now you have no choice but to sit back and watch what happens.

There are three possible outcomes here:

1. Your partner still wants to leave, no matter what you do. It’s terribly unfair, painful and will hurt. You might question if you could have done more to keep them or if this is your fault for following The SOS Technique.

But here is the thing; you had nothing to lose by trying it. Now that you’ve pulled yourself out of depression and started living life again, you’ve regained your dignity and self-worth. Rather than starting your life again from scratch, you’ve already gotten a head start thanks to The SOS Technique.

2. You might arouse your partner’s curiosity. They might start showing some interest in you again, wanting to do things together or ask you questions about the positive changes you’ve been making in your life.

This is a great sign, not reconciliation. The last thing you want to do is resume the negative behaviors that brought you to this point in the first place. Even if they start showing interest, you don’t want to tell them “I love you” again. You don’t want to spend all your time together. You don’t even want to get into a conversation about where you are in your relationship. Instead, play it cool. Enjoy your time together. In many ways, it’s a lot like the early stages of a relationship! You don’t want to be too eager, too quick or they’ll lose interest. As things progress and your relationship gradually improves, you or they may start to bring up your future together as a topic and see where it goes. But you need to be patient.

3. They might want you back. This is super rare, but it can happen. If it does, all the above rules still apply. Moving too quickly might bring you back to the terrible place you just escaped from. As tempting as it might be to move back in together or pretend as nothing happened, it’s essential that you pace yourselves.

If you’d like more information about The SOS Technique, I can’t recommend Michelle Weiner-Davis’ book, The Divorce Remedy, enough. It can be terrible to feel like an underdog. You could feel depressed at your situation, anxious that you won’t be able to get out of it and panicked that it’s going to be too hard. If you follow The SOS Technique, you might be able to pull yourself out of this “hopeless” situation and become an underdog story for the ages!

If you are looking for marriage coaching to speed that process along, I can help there as well! Just contact me today, and I can help you stop the arguments and start feeling love again!

Matthew W. Hoelscher
Head Coach – Parent Marriage Coaching
Phone: 305.986.2905
matt@miamiexecutivecoach.com
www.parentmarriage.com