Matthew Hoelscher- What its like to be married to meWhat’s It Like Being Married to Me (In My Wife’s Own Words!)

As a marriage coach, one of the most common questions that I hear is, “Well, what’s your marriage like?”

In some professions, that would be considered an inappropriate question, but in mine, it’s entirely understandable! After all, you are trusting me to help your marriage. It’s only natural to worry about if mine is in good standing!

Well, I’m pleased and proud to say that my marriage has never been stronger, due in part to many of the strategies I offer in my coaching sessions. But that’s just my perspective, right? What would my wife say? Well, I asked her, and she wrote this blog. So, here is what it’s like to be married to me, in my wife’s own words!

A few weeks ago, Matthew asked me to write an essay on what it is like to be married to him. Apparently, many of his clients wonder about me. They want to know the woman behind the coach. And honestly, it’s not an easy question to answer. Trying to put all of your feelings and thoughts into words about your marriage is tougher than you’d think! But I will do my best to describe what it is like to be married to Matthew.

When I think of him, a ton of words come to mind: coach, companion, husband, father, lover, energizer, planner, thinker, reader, social coordinator, seller, teacher, confidant, organizer, friend, supporter, guide, comedian, sounding board, player, reader, enforcer, comforter, and muse.

Matthew is always ON! And truthfully, that can be exhausting. From the moment he walks into the kitchen every morning, wearing that big smile on his face, until a soft kiss goodnight, he brightens my day. No matter how bad a day I had or how sleepy I am, Matthew has such a positive and vibrant attitude that you just can’t help to be uplifted. He always compliments my cooking; even a simple breakfast of oatmeal with almond butter and nuts gets me a “Thank you babe, it was delicious!”

Being married to Matthew is like being alive at all times. There are no zombies in our house! Each moment is special, even the not-so-happy moments. Matthew is a natural energizer and inspirational being. You just want to be around the guy (I mean, I obviously do. I married him!)

I found that being married to Matt helped me face my own demons. Matthew always seems to know which buttons to push and when. Often, this can feel very personal and intimidating, but once you get past your ego, you know that he just woke up something that will make you reflect and act in your best interest. Matthew can see beyond the B.S. that we all portray on the outside. He serves as my mirror to see my own reflection and realize it when I’m not true to myself.

When I come home from work, stressed and down, I tend to take things very seriously and worry about everything. I need to get it all out. I love telling Matt how my day went because he listens. Not only that, but he usually has a different perspective that helps me see things through a much softer and clearer glass. Then, things don’t seem as bad after all.

But the best part about being married to Matt is that he is the fire that ignites my curiosity, the strong back that supports, that eases my burdens, and the coach who challenges me to do things that I would have never dreamed. When I decided to quit my job of seven years and apply for a position that I did not feel I was fully qualified for, Matthew encouraged me to see it through. Fifteen years later, I am still in that company and have earned respect and professional titles that I had no idea I could achieve before I took that chance. His encouragement has helped me tap into a deep reserve of drive and resolve. For example, I’ve always struggled with my weight, and I considered myself obese. But four years ago, after several months of training, I ran a half marathon!

When I first met Matthew, he was an avid scuba diver. Soon after, I learned to scuba dive too! Through scuba, I’ve learned so much about myself and how strong I am, both physically and emotionally. We used to dive underwater like maniacs, every chance we had, in caves, open water, wrecks, beach dives, team dives, research dives, all of it. We have done primitive camping in areas that most people don’t even know exist. I learned to be self-sufficient and about preservation and conservation. Without Matt, I never would have found this interest in the natural world and would have missed out on these incredible experiences.

Our last crazy adventure was the purchase of “Mercury,” a twenty-one foot R.V. that fits four people. In the short time that we’ve owned Mercury, we have already explored Florida and the Southern parts of the U.S. I know that nothing can stop us from venturing out into other adventures. Matthew is not afraid to take certain risks, within reason, and he is fully confident that he can accomplish whatever he sets his mind to. This attitude is contagious!

Coming from a traditional and financially-modest family who moved to the U.S. in 1987, it’s always been tough for me to take risks and step out of my comfort zone. I would watch others travel and have adventures, but I never thought that lifestyle was for me. But today, my attitude couldn’t be more different! Mount Everest? Why not! Learn to fly an airplane? Sure! Immerse in an Ashram in Nepal to practice silent meditation for two weeks? No problem! Matthew has no limiting beliefs, and that too is contagious. I can do all that and anything else.

Being married to Matthew also means that I have the support that I need. Whatever it is that I decide to do, he is there to help me and support my goal. Whether it was buying beads to make prayer malas, or staying home with the boys while I take meditation and yoga classes, Matthew has my back. When I randomly pick a place to go on vacation, Matt immediately gets behind the idea. All of a sudden, he has the routes mapped out and the stops planned, even if it is halfway around the world in Athens or Fiesta Key.

Of course, a significant part of our marriage is our children. Thanks to Matt, my boys are getting the most incredible emotionally-intelligent upbringing. I believe that kids understand when they are spoken to clearly and non-emotionally. I tend to be more emotional and react instinctively. Thankfully, Matt catches me in this state and pulls me aside so I can calm down so we can discuss our approach together and rationally. Matthew explains the situation to the boys, always checking for understanding while clearly setting out expectations. The advantage of this approach is that we never need to yell or threaten, and we have never have or will under any circumstances physically discipline our sons. A rational and calm conversation suffices. Matt learns by reading, listening, and carefully observing behavior. He retains concepts and can apply them like nobody I have ever seen. His self-teaching has helped us become wonderful parents and amazing companions.

Matthew uses his words and actions to show his appreciation for me. He gets me flowers each week. He takes out the trash, takes care of everything around the house, and even does the laundry. Heck, he taught the boys to do their own laundry when they were only eight years old! Matthew does the grocery shopping, makes sure the house and pool are maintained properly, he plans, he dreams, and he makes things happen. Matthew’s love for the boys and myself is truly unconditional.

Now, I know that you also want to hear about the ugly, not-so-pretty side. And yes, we have those moments, just like all couples. But that is all they are: moments. Matthew can be demanding and obsessive. But I think that these traits balance out my own randomness and fears.

We have learned to read each other, and always speak and act from a place of love. For many years, we never had arguments at all. That was very strange to me! Growing up in a Latin family, we tend to be very emotional! We laugh loud and speak louder. We gesture with our hands and communicate with our entire physical body. I learned to tone that down so I could meet Matt where he is and have a conversation rather than an emotional war. Occasionally, the unavoidable Latin in me flairs up, and that’s OK. After all, it’s who I am. Matthew knows and acknowledges that, and comforts me until we can rationally discuss things.

Matthew has always helped his friends and family to get through tough times. A simple talk with Matt usually helps them see things more clearly and move on to a better place. I have observed this consistently since I have known Matt. So, when I heard that the University of Miami had a coaching program, my gut and all of my being told me that Matthew should get the formal training he needed to help people professionally. And he did. Now, he gets to help so many individuals. And that makes me very happy!

I can’t begin to describe how reading all of that makes me feel. As someone who prides himself in being able to rationally approach things, hearing my wife say all of this is… overwhelming, to say the least. To say I am touched wouldn’t even come close. Believe me, I could write an equally-loving essay about her (and might do so). But for now, I hope that satisfies your curiosity about my marriage! We’re extraordinarily happy, and will continue to strive to continue in that state for the foreseeable future.

If you want some help getting your marriage on a similar track of communication, I would be delighted to help you. Through marriage coaching, I’ve assisted countless couples in rediscovering the love that got them together in the first place, along with strategies to maintain that level of closeness. Contact me today, and let’s get you started down the same path!