Why You Feel Suffocated in Your Marriage

Why You Feel Suffocated in Your Marriage

When someone calls me about marriage coaching, my first question when answering the phone is always the same:

“What would you like to change about your marriage?”

Funny enough, I almost always get the same answer. The longer a couple has been together, the more often I hear the word “suffocated.”

In those cases, the perceived emotional pressure of expectations placed on a spouse squeezes the air out of their lungs until they cannot take a single breath of air without feeling selfish.

When you are dating or single, you have full control and can set all of your expectations. You’re free to choose what you will and will not do when you want to do it. While this can be nice, it can also be lonely, so it is natural to want a companion.

At the beginning of a relationship, there are few expectations except to enjoy each other’s company. As the relationship progresses, expectations keep building and building. After you’re married and have children, the expectations can reach the point where it feels like an avalanche is overtaking you, and you no longer know what which way is up.

The pressure takes many forms, from sleepless nights parenting young kids to paying for their college education. It could be the financial pressure of mortgage, car, and health care payments, or just making rent for the month. And let’s not forget the expectations of family and in-laws wanting to spend time with you, or worse, meddling in your lives because they never fully let go of you.

If any of those sounds familiar, the first thing you need to know is that you are not crazy! There are countless theories built around the feeling of suffocation within the marriage counseling profession.

Professor Eli J. Finkel at Northwestern University wrote an interesting paper defending his theory about suffocation called, “The Suffocation of Marriage: Climbing Mount Maslow without Enough Oxygen.” In it, he talks about the suffocations of marriage caused by the expectations married partners place on each other. The professor defines three different periods of marriage and matched them up with Maslow’s classic definition of human needs.

Institutionalized marriage was created to meet these basic psychological and safety needs: hunger, warmth, sleep, money, safety, control, and reproduction. When our society was primarily agricultural, meeting these needs was the implied goal of the partnership. As our standards of living improved, our expectations of marriage became companion-based.

Since we now have more time and resources for courting and dating, our marriage criteria changed from practical concerns to instead selecting a partner based on love. In our current society, loving and being loved by others is a basic need. We belong to larger social groups that required trust in the marriage, and we desired more sexual intimacy beyond just the basics of reproduction.

Modern marriage, however, goes far beyond our most basic needs. As our affluence as a society increased, our expectations of marriage grew to include our self-expression. Simple shelter from the weather has become a 4-bedroom, 3-bath, pool, with a view in a neighborhood with excellent schools and low crime.

It’s generally expected of our partner and our marriage to facilitate our self-actualization. We want prestige, self-respect, respect of others, autonomy, spontaneity, and personal growth. Often, it can take the form of social media engagement. No, I am not making that up. To be honest, I must choke down my feelings at times when I hear the complaint, “My partner doesn’t post me enough of his social media feed.”

As we climb Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, the altitude of affluence is what sucks the oxygen out of a relationship. Eventually, we reach the tipping point where we realize that more money doesn’t bring more happiness.

Yes, we all need a safe place to live with a few rooms to organize our stuff. However, moving to a ten-bedroom house does not make us twice as happy as a four-bedroom. This form of suffocation comes in the form of upkeep on what we have. The taxes, cleaning, maintenance, furnishing, and electric bill of an enormous home presses us to work harder to make the mortgage payment. We put up with crap from our boss because we fear being fired. Then, at the end of a very long day, we come home late to kids who are ungrateful because the Wi-Fi lagged while playing video games.

As we start climbing up the mountain in our marriages, our needs have shifted from certainty, safety, and control to prestige, autonomy, spontaneity, and personal growth. This paradox is the reason why most individuals don’t feel happy in their marriages, and why so many of them end in divorce.

Think of the pressures of your life and marriage like the air pressure as you climb a mountain. The higher you get, the thinner the air. Similarly, the higher the expectations on you, the more suffocation you can feel in your marriage. The reason why divorce becomes a remedy to the suffocation is that it knocks you down a bit off the mountain, You can breathe again! But then, you must restart the climb. The climb is the secret to fulfillment. Once you reach the top of the mountain, there are only two options. Head back down and find a new mountain to climb. Or help others reach the top as well.

We are so focused on spending money that we forget the most important thing in how you spend your time. The richest and the poorest person on the planet have the same 1,440 minutes in a day. It’s arguably ludicrous to spend those minutes acquiring more money, once you have plenty to meet your needs.

Studies have shown that $70,000 a year for an individual, or $150,000 a year for a family, is enough to be happy. Your financial needs are met, and you can carve out a safe place on top of the mountain by adding time to your day. You can now focus on making more time for self-care, your partner, and your family.

Time is also crucial in a marriage. Either you must invest more time together and in each other, or you have to give each other the space to pursue individual personal development. Most counselors and therapists will push you to invest in more time together. However, the high failure rates of this strategy means that I often advocate for the other option! Retired couples, for example, can drive each other crazy because they are not used to having so much time together!

The key here is open communication, listening without judgment, and giving each other some space for self-exploration. You both need to figure out if you are suffocating due to loneliness and lack of time, or lack the freedom to express yourself and become the highest version of you.

Countless couples make assumptions about each other until they have painted their marriage into a corner of disappointment. There is no more room to breathe, let alone feel loved and confident to explore. After all, things change! Just because your partner didn’t want to do something twenty years ago doesn’t mean they may not be open to it now. You are both dynamic beings. Change is the constant of the universe. Reviewing, testing, and replacing expectations and assumptions breathes new life into long-established relationships.

Couples assume marriage is static and unchanging, which leads to the feeling of suffocation. Marriage is dynamic, but the change is so slow its unperceivable. There are many hidden transition points; most couples are unaware of until they blow up in the face. That crisis point forces the couple to reassess their relationship, change their commitments, and set new priorities and goals.

If you are feeling suffocated in your marriage, I can help guide you through this process to set yourself free. You can have everything you want, so long as you can communicate it and freely make decisions with your partner.

Call me today to schedule a session to discuss your needs.