The Secret of Marriage

 

I’m literally going to be putting myself out of business today. 

Right now, I’m going to reveal to you the secret of marriage. As a marriage coach, you might be wondering why I’d want to share this with you? Well, it’s because knowing the secret and implementing the secret are two totally different things. 

I want to share the secret of marriage because I see a lot of you are in good marriages, but they could be even better. And if you’re having trouble implementing this secret technique that I’m going to teach you, you can always call me to schedule an in-person appointment or connect by remote video.

The secret of marriage is that it doesn’t exist.

I know that’s a big thing to kind of ponder, but listen to me. The secret is not a trick; I’m serious. Marriage, at least here in the United States, is nothing more than a protected tax status. I don’t care how you file your taxes. Nobody ever comes into my office and sits on my couch and complains about their taxes. Okay? That’s all “marriage” is. 

Everything else that makes up a marriage is the sum of the two of you coming together. Your marriage is nothing but the sum of the commitments and agreements you have made together, combined with the good faith that you’re both going to keep them. The questions I deal with in my practice always boil down to a lie. There’s no point in committing to a promise if you’re not going to keep it.

Now, lying sounds like a strong word. We all tell little white lies on one side, and big bald-faced lies on the other. Then there are invisible lies that I call expectations. I define expectations as things that you expect your partner to do or act. You may or may not have communicated those expectations, and your partner may or may not have heard them and understood them. But when those expectations don’t get met resentments form, and they clog up your desire and your motivation to make your partner feel loved. If your partner doesn’t feel loved and you don’t feel love, eventually you’ll start harmful activities to try to get their attention. 

That’s where most of the stupid fights and arguments come from, or what I call stage one. When you experience issues in any relationship (you don’t even have to be married), unmet expectations are at the root. Those expectations are sometimes conscious in our brain, and sometimes they’re just under the surface so that we feel them, but can’t properly articulate them. But we still have the adverse emotional reaction of feeling disappointed, betrayed, and upset.

So, the secret of marital happiness is clarity on what those commitments are and, more importantly, what your expectations are. Exploring expectations in coaching opens up a whole new world of martial dialog. Your expectations come from culture, religion, parents, social influences, and your experience. 

Couples come from around the world to settle in Miami, but they don’t realize how different they both are until stress forces them to solve problems together. This wisdom came directly to me from my wife. I’m from South Dakota; my wife is from Argentina. We got along great while we were dating, but we had no idea how vastly different our expectations were until we had kids. We decided on a commitment was to have kids, but we never discussed our expectations when it came to raising them., We raise kids entirely differently in the Midwest than they do in Argentina. I fought with my wife for months after our gifts were born, until one day I had an epiphany and said, “You know what? We’re going to raise the kids the Argentinian way.” 

I’m going to learn how to do things her way, and I’m going to stop criticizing her and telling her she’s doing it wrong because she’s not doing it in the Midwestern way. Neither is right or wrong. There is no such thing as right or wrong. The simple answer is anything with consent is okay. 

Anything that you both want to commit to is okay as long as you’re both committing to it. The problem is when one partner has an expectation, or one partner says they’re going to do something, and then they ended up doing something different because they want to avoid a conflict. That is what causes marital and relationship issues. My role as a coach is to walk you through this process to raise those expectations to the surface of awareness so that you can communicate them.

The number one skill you need in a good marriage or relationship is communication. 

You must first figure out what you want for yourself and then figure out how to communicate it to your partner so that they can hear, understand, and process it. It’s an arduous process. If you’ve raised children, you know when you have given them “crystal clear” instructions, then watch them do something different? You’re like, “Wait, stop. What the heck are you doing?” It’s because they heard something different. They interpreted what you said and saw a different model in their mind. That’s why parenting can be so much fun! And that’s also why being in a relationship can be so frustrating at times. We think it would be easy if our partner would just do what we tell them to do, but it doesn’t work that way.

Remember, your marriage is just the sum of the two of you. So, anytime you’re arguing, upset, or starting to feel that burn of anger with each other, stop and ask yourself, “What am I expecting my partner to do that they’re not doing? Have I communicated it to them, and do they understand it?” Until you get through that process, you’ll never be able to find the peace, joy, and connection that you want. If that process of communicating stopped long ago, usually because you’re under a lot of stress, those resentments start to grow bigger. You’ll stop taking loving actions towards your partner. Your marriage may feel perfectly fine, but like an airplane without throttle, it is slowly falling out of the sky. You’re just waiting to crash. That is when you need to reach out to me! Don’t wait any longer. Find some help!

That, my friend, is the secret of marriage. I hope you start a mental list of your commitments and expectations and invite your partner into a conversation about them. When was the last time you reviewed the vows you made to each other at your wedding?

Remember, expectations also change over time, and commitments are not fixed. Nothing is written in stone, right? First, you have to create them, and then you have to amend them because they’ll either work or not work. You are free to get rid of them at any time. You’re not the same person you were when you first started dating your partner. Just because you committed does not mean you cannot change that commitment if it’s no longer serving you. It’s okay to let it go. Thank it. It served its purpose, but it’s time to let it go. And that’s a process that you will be continually creating and recreating your marriage and relationship. 

Think about it this way. Day to day, your body looks like it stays the same. However, it ages ever so slowly at the cellular level as we turn over all of our cells. Every seven years, you’ve turned over every cell in your body. You are a new person, and similarly, every seven years, your relationship is going to turn itself over. You’re going to change, and you’re going to have to change those commitments to be in alignment with it.

If you need help going through this process, if you need a guide to take you on this journey, that’s what I do as a marriage coach.

We can meet in my office if you’re near Miami, Florida, and if you’re online, you can contact me. We can create a secure Zoom meeting where the two of you sit down in front of a tablet or iPad and have a great conversation. I will guide you through this process. And once you learn the process, once I’ve coached you on the process, once you’ve mastered it, you can solve the rest of the problems yourself. You don’t need me do babysit you or take you through each step one-by-one. 

That’s why you get results with me so much faster than traditional marriage counseling. Compare what I offer over someone allowing you to argue, but never solving the problem nor get to the root issue. When you’re only working at the surface about why you’re upset, there’s an infinite amount of things that will piss you off about your partner.

Ah, but once you feel loved by your partner, all that stupid stuff, you just write it off and let it go because your partner is never going to be perfect. You’re not an ideal partner, either. Sorry, that’s another secret in the truth that you have to let it sink in! But if you get to 75% or 80%, that’s good enough. That’s the best you’re going to get in a healthy relationship. No relationship is perfect. Stop striving for perfection and start working on having the best commitments and agreements you can. 

Then you’ll have the peace and the happiness that you seek. You’ll feel the joy and happiness and the love that you want to experience in your relationship. Again, if you need help with this, you can call me at (305) 986-2905 or go to my website at www.parentmarriage.com. If you schedule a free 17-minute phone call with me, I’d be happy to jump on and discuss these issues with you to learn how I can be of assistance. I’m here to help you create the marriage and relationship of your dreams!