These scripts silently dictate:
- How babies “should” be fed, soothed, or disciplined.
- Who “should” stay home or return to work.
- How chores “should” be divided.
- How quickly intimacy “should” return.
- What kind of childhood they “should” provide.
When these scripts clash, and they will, resentment builds fast, especially when you’re both running on fumes.
Case Study: Jenna and Luis
Jenna and Luis had been married for five years when their daughter was born.
They’d talked about wanting kids, but never discussed what life with a baby would actually look like.
Unconsciously, both reverted to their childhood scripts:
- Luis assumed Jenna would stay home, just like his mother did.
- Jenna assumed they’d share parenting equally, like her sister and brother-in-law.
The first six months were a blur. Luis worked long hours, convinced he was “helping” by providing financially. Jenna was home alone with the baby, feeling abandoned and overwhelmed.
As the weeks dragged on, Jenna felt like she totally lost her sense of identity. Her body felt like it was battered by the pregnancy and delivery, and running less than six hours of sleep every night left her with little patience.
She missed meals because she had not gone shopping for groceries, and found herself showering every three days. She loved cooking, but with a newborn constantly needing attention, preparing dinner felt impossible-even when the baby slept, she has to be held, leaving her feeling like a hostage in her own home.
Jenna was shocked that Luis was completely clueless about her frazzled emotional state. Luis would ask what is for dinner and she felt immense guilt for struggling with tasks that used to be second nature.
Luis, on the other hand, was deeply confused. Now that Jenna was home all day, he couldn't understand why the house was disheveled and there wasn't a hot meal waiting. It had been eight weeks since the pediatrician medically cleared Jenna to resume sex. While Luis didn't want to pressure her, his sexual desire hadn't diminished, and now he felt rejected because he couldn't even get a hug from his wife, let alone intimacy.
By the time they sat in my office, they were barely speaking. Jenna resented Luis for "checking out," while Luis resented Jenna for "never appreciating" his hard work and turning away from him.
Their turning point came when we put everything on the table using a structured reset:
structured reset
-
The Vision List
Each wrote down their ideal version of daily parenting.
-
The Inventory
Each listed all the visible and invisible tasks.
-
The Swap
They swapped lists, discussed preferences, and made trade-offs.
Through this process, they uncovered a major misunderstanding: Luis wanted to handle the evening bedtime routine to bond with his daughter, but assumed Jenna preferred to do it. Jenna wanted Luis to take over at bedtime, but assumed he was too tired from work to help.
It took three open conversations to reset their expectations. Within weeks, Jenna felt supported, Luis felt more connected to his daughter, and both felt like partners again.
It took three open conversations to reset their expectations.
Matthew W. Hoelscher, PCC
Parenting Disagreements: Good Cop vs. Bad Cop
Undermining each other’s authority confuses children and strains your bond.
Avoid this by:
- Agreeing on baseline rules you’ll both enforce.
- Discussing disagreements in private.
- Reviewing rules every few months as kids grow.
Case Study: Jason and Sarah
When their children reached school age, Jason and Sarah found themselves trapped in a classic parental power struggle: the "Good Cop / Bad Cop" dynamic.
Jason felt like the only parent in the house who enforced boundaries, monitored bedtime schedules, and said "no" to endless screen-time requests. Sarah, feeling overwhelmed by her kids' emotional meltdowns, frequently gave in, allowed extra treats, or relaxed house rules to keep the peace.
Without realizing it, they were operating from clashing childhood scripts:
- Jason's Script: Raised in a strict, highly disciplined household, he believed that firm rules equal safety, predictability, and raising responsible adults.
- Sarah's Script: Raised by rigid parents, she associated strict rules with emotional rejection and wanted her children to view her as an approachable, loving ally above all else.
The children quickly learned how to exploit the crack in their parents' foundation. When Jason denied a request, the kids bypassed him and went straight to Sarah for a "yes".
- Jason felt like the villain: He hated being the rigid disciplinarian while Sarah got to be the "fun, beloved parent".
- Sarah felt micromanaged: She felt judged by Jason and believed his strictness was damaging their kids' emotional well-being.
The crisis point came when their six-year-old threw a severe tantrum because Jason enforced a turn-off time for the iPad. Sarah stepped in front of the kids, handed the iPad back, and told Jason, "You're being way too harsh; just let them play!" Jason walked out of the house, feeling completely betrayed and undermined in front of his own children.
We executed a structural reset using three steps:
- Private Alignment, Public Unity: We established a strict boundary: Disagreements must happen behind closed doors. If one parent makes a call in front of the children, the other must back it up in that moment, even if they disagree with the rule. They discuss and adjust the policy later in private.
- The "Check with the Team" Response: When the children asked Sarah for something Jason had already ruled on, Sarah practiced stating: "If your dad already answered that question, my answer is the exact same." Or, if unsure: "Your dad and I will talk about it and let you know together."
- The Parenting Alignment Check: Jason and Sarah sat down with a paper and pen to establish three non-negotiable household rules and fair consequences that both agreed to enforce equally.
By agreeing on baseline rules privately and standing united publicly, the "Good Cop / Bad Cop" dynamic evaporated. Jason felt respected and was able to relax his strictness, while Sarah no longer felt like she had to "save" the children. Most importantly, the children gained a sense of security from seeing their parents operate as a solid, unified team.
Exercise: The Parenting Alignment Check
- List three rules every child should follow.
- List three consequences you believe are fair.
- List three privileges the children earn for good behavior
Compare lists, find one rule you both agree on, and commit to enforcing it together this week.
Your Homework
-
Schedule a Parenting Partnership Reset (20 Minutes)
Sit down using Cardio Communication rules (no problem-solving, no judgment). Each partner writes down their daily tasks, both visible chores and invisible mental load, and swaps lists to identify areas where trade-offs or support are needed.
-
Execute the "Check with the Team" Standard
For the next week, enforce a strict rule with your children and family members: if an issue involves household rules or extended family boundaries, use the phrase, "We will discuss this as a team and get back to you together."