Please note this post does not agree or condone cheating or infidelity in relationships. However, 38 million people cannot be ignored and infidelity in marriage does exist. The Ashley Madison hack forced anyone in a marriage or working to save a marriage, to acknowledge that there is a market to be served, someone will serve it.
Many celebrities and ordinary people were unveiled to some serious consequences that may have ended with the loss of a partner’s trust, a job, or even a sense of privacy. So what could be learned from the Ashley Madison Hack?
1. The Reality of Cheating Sites is…
We have 31 million male suckers, not actually cheating. Guys, there just isn’t a pool of women just dying to have an affair with you, today, for free-anywhere. You are paying money for the idea of that, not the actual reality. Save your $250 a month membership fee and invest it in something that will give you a better return. A weekend away in a hotel, jewelry, or an activity together.
You and your wife will be much happier sexually if you reach out and ask for help from a sex coach or a relationship coach with a broad understanding of sexuality. If your idea of great sex is 10 minutes of foreplay, 4 minutes in the game, and you are not sure if your wife had an orgasm, see #2 below.
Sex needs to be scheduled in a marriage because you should be taking at least 30 minutes to start, with a goal of taking an hour at least once a week to connect, play and explore foreplay, different sex positions, toys, massage, multiple orgasms, and afterplay (ladies, this is the best time to open him up and get him talking).
Your sexual routine will change as you go from dating, to married, to kids, to teenagers, and finally to alone again. You both have to keep making it fresh.
2. Women Don’t Want Affairs, They want…
There were very few legitimate female accounts on the site. The real women on Ashley Madison sign up on Mother’s Day is for flirting, foreplay, and attention. If you’re the type of husband that gave your wife a gift card for Christmas, missed Valentine’s Day, blew off her birthday, and didn’t even have the kids make her breakfast for Mother’s Day, you are at risk. If you do not give you wife the attention they deserve, you are asking for trouble!
Your wife and your marriage would most be better served if you invested that $250 membership fee on flowers, a nice dinner, or a weekend away without the kids. If sex is routine and predictable, go on a shopping spree on a sex toy website. You may learn something new about each other in the process.
3. Baby Makes Three and Sometimes Infidelity
The one real good thing about Ashley Madison is the collected data on infidelity. We know when most women sign up. We also know when most men sign up. Right after the birth of a child.
This is why I founded Parent Marriage. If you and your partner have not laid solid foundation of marriage before having kids, the stress and decision making inherent in parenthood will tear you to emotional pieces. Men marry a wife hoping she will never change. Women marry a man they hope will mature to become a great father.
After kids, nothing stays the same. The husband takes second place to the baby. There can be a long sexual drought from the last months of pregnancy, giving birth, and readjusting to life before sexual activity can resume. Once a woman is physically capable again, she may not be wanting to emotionally.
New mothers don’t usually feel sexy right away. They are tired and sleep deprived, their body is overweight from baby fat, and sweat/comfy clothes become the norm. That special activity that created the baby now seems like the last thing on your mind.
It seems like a paradox that your husband loves you and the baby, yet at the same time is trying to get his sexual needs met outside the marriage. An affair at this point can feel like a much needed vacation from a stressful home life and possible work life.
Keeping it a secret makes sense to him as he feels torn between getting his needs met and surviving the beginning of a new family.
The important thing to remember is that your husband loves you and loves having sex with you no matter what you look like. Sometimes it is important in a relationship to have maintenance sex, sex where you are doing it just to make your partner happy, even if you don’t really honestly feel like you want to.
Most couples don’t discuss sexual expectations at the beginning of marriage. After kids, it’s common for both partners to feel a decrease in libido due to stress. However, both partners cannot just stop, withhold, or forget about this important connection. If you both have committed to a closed monogamous marriage, neither partner can choose to no longer participate in sex and expect their partner to just deal with it. Eventually, they will and you are not going to be happy about it.
What is the Takeaway?
Cheating is never an overnight decision. One or both partners are not getting their needs met. Again, infidelity and cheating don’t just happen. It’s a long slow process of shutting down, withdrawal, and usually after some dramatic changes that lead a partner away from you. What you do next is entirely up to you or your partner. Don’t wait until it’s too late. Consider your options and seek guidance from a trained expert.
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